Spilling semen in vain - Self Forgiveness - Day 116

This is a continuation to:

Sexual Expression – Overview  Day 112

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Forgiveness Part 1 - Day 113

Investigating Sexual Expression - Self Commitments - Part 1 - Day 114

 

Spilling semen in vain - Day 115

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow the Religion laws, telling me that I must not touch myself and explore myself as my human physical body within the belief that if I would, I will be deserve to DIE.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attach, define and connect masturbation with SIN and I haven't realized that the real SIN is that which we have accepted and allowed this world to be and become;

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I masturbate, I'm a sinner and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the Real SIN which is my blindfold belief of my religious laws which justifying and allowing the continuation of abuse in this world by the name of God.

 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate, research and educate myself with regards to the physical consequences that may emerge if I allow myself to suppress my physical expression within self intimacy with MYSELF as I've NOT considered the relationship between the mind and the physical due to lack of understanding of those who have come before me; those who have set the laws without taking the physical aspect in consideration and those who have brainwashed me from a very young age till I've obey and accepted the laws as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how ridiculous the law: "Do not spill your semen in Vain" where in, when I'm having sex, there are about 300 million sperm that released in an ejaculation and thus, according to the analogy in the bible, I should be defined as a murderer of 300 Million Potential children. Also, each month, as the woman goes through the menstruation cycle, there is an egg that release  - does it means that every month the woman is the murderer of a potential child if she doesn't have sex and become pregnant?

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself believe that I would be deserve to die, if I explore, become intimate and touch myself as my human physical body and I have accepted this belief to be my directive principle as I've lost all common sense and have tied myself into my own law systems which I gave my power to, in separation of me, without ever considering who I am as the physical touch; never considered or allowed myself to investigate the laws that I bind myself to and accordingly, stand up, and directing myself and my world according to common sense informative decisions which I'm able to stand within and as, for eternity.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in spite because of sexual thoughts that came up in my mind, thoughts that I wasn't prepared, educated and taught to deal with; thoughts that my Religious environment taught me it is Evil and therefor, I've defined myself as EVIL within and as myself, not realizing that the same way I have those thoughts, my environment has those thoughts and because none of us understood how the mind worked and functions, we believed that if we won't tell anyone, everything would be ok and if we won't act on those thoughts, God will not know.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to when and as the sexual thoughts and hormonal physical changes emerged within and as me, to suppress the thoughts and feelings within and as myself and I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to remain in FEAR of not knowing what is wrong with me as I believed that I was not allowed to speak about it, ask for guideness and direction and in this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the silence about sex and Masturbation within my Religious community and therefore, have blindly accepted and allowed the Religious Laws, despite of me being aware of my body changes and the thoughts that came up, which had accumulated and become unbearable till I had to act on it, within and as self shame, not telling anyone and hoping that I won't be exposed, not ever considering that everyone are doing the same but would never talk about it.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed religious Law to dictate what I can or cannot do with myself, as my human physical body and I haven't realized that the reason for these laws were and still are, to control the human beings in their own fears, so that no one would ever question and challenge our existence and actually become the change that we all want to see in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the separation that exists within and as the religious laws and how through accepting and allowing the laws as who I am, I've actually, accepted and allowed the separation of me from myself as my human physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into marriage at a very young age so that I could deal with my hormonal changes within a marriage unit where sex is allowed. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to justify why I'm engaging into marriage within and as my mind, not seeing, realizing and understand my own starting point - the desire for sex. In this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to base my relationship on a desire for sex, disguised by a religion act, not seeing, realizing and understanding that relationship required to be based on AGREEMENT where both parties commit to assist and support themselves and their partner EQUALLY, agreement that is based on self honest communication that will allow both parties to grow and expand themselves into become effective human being in this world. 

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to bring so many children in this world, without having the ability to raise them effectively and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the desire for sex to override common sense wherein, to be able to have sex, I believe I must not use my semen in vain and accordingly, must have children.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abused my children through enslaving them to raise their siblings so that I could have sex from time to time and accordingly, have more children into this world which would also be raised by their siblings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that masturbation is wrong because in masturbating, I'm committing a crime as I spill my semen and in that, murdering my potential children and I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the real crime, is the belief of the religious laws that by the name of god, the abuse, as enslavement of my children is allowed, as they have to be the guardians of their siblings so that I could have sex and talk with god all day long.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to take my children into consideration when I made the decision to bring MORE children into this world and within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore the physical needs that every child is required in this world despite of me, not being able, in no way, to give that to my children when my family unit consists of 10-20 children.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to walk with my child and explaining them what is going on inside them, as their body start to change and be influenced by physical hormones and instead, I left them alone to believe there is Evilness within themselves that is talking them into masturbation because I didn't have the courage to speak openly about my own process of discovering my human physical body, my own process of becoming intimate with my body because as far as I concern, I'm not allowed to do so, nevertheless, speak about it. Within that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be and become an effective parent in this world as I tied myself into a religious laws, in separation of myself and have blindly followed it as if it is the ultimate truth.

 

To be continued...