This is a continuation to:
What is Spiritual Love to me? - Part 3 - Day 158
No Sex - No Relationship - Day 167
Men only think about Sex? - Day 168
So, it is clear by now that my decisions regarding men were always fucked up so to speak. While writing it all down, it made me realize that my value system was always unstable from the perspective of valuing specific characteristic while always disregarding myself in self trust/respect.
My tendency was going after those who have strong relationship with their dicks (excuse me for being so frank), those who have self confident, very masculine and strong affection to Porn and Masturbation. Obviously, I didn't look at why am I attracted to those characteristics and what is myself interest desire within it.
Through listening to The Relationship between Sexuality and Money interview, I'm seen why and how I developed the tendency to be with assholes guys.
Until recently, the moment I met a guy or targeted someone as the prospected partner, the first thought that came up in my mind was - will he be able to financially take care of me. Now, it is not that I'm not capable to take care of myself but the preprograming is so extensive that only when slowing myself down, I noticed the existence of this backchat within my mind.
I would than go to the imagination dimension, seeing us together, already living together and having a future together. For more about the imagination dimension, please read: Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality - Day 3 as well as watch: Illusion Reality vs. the Physical Reality YouTube video.
However, I never investigated the nature of the back chat in relationship to the male's relationship with one's sexuality and money and my attraction towards these men.
As I'm scanning through my past relationships, each one of them had the potential of being financial stable and each one of them had a close relationship to Porn and Masturbation. And the guys that were chasing after me, where exactly the opposite - no financial stability and no close relationship to Porn and Masturbation.
So, what does it says about me? Where, why and how I've placed within me the values that led me to make such decisions? What did I valued vs. what I didn't value and who I was within these values and whether or not I have ever valued myself? Where did I pick up these values and who taught me these values?
Lots of question that I never asked myself and thus, so blindly followed these values and fell into the same pattern within the decisions I've made, over and over again.
From tomorrow - extensive Self Forgiveness regarding all the points I've written down recently. Stay tuned.
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