Aug 20, 2013 | By: A Woman

Is living a burden? - Day 408

In the past week, the physical experience I have had was that of ‘carrying a burden’. Physically it felt like a huge stone sitting at the top of my back, pushing pain towards the neck, shoulder and arm. So I was looking at the word 'Burden' and how my experience in my day to day living in the past week has been of ‘carrying a burden’ in the context of Bernard's death which is when the physical pain had manifested.

So for myself, I see what needs to be done as a living principle, I recognize my skills and how to utilize my skills as a living principle of that which is best for all. Only that thus far, as long as Bernard was around, I allowed myself to not fully commit and accept my abilities and/or my skills as I counted on Bernard to always be here and make sure that everything is done effectively, to cross-reference, to check and assess and so, if it happens that I'm out of synch or not aligned, I conveniently trusted Bernard to be here to show me the points.

Bernard always said that all that is required is a decision and the decision must be absolute to such an extent that nothing inside one moves once a decision is made, no matter what one faces. Now I understand what an absolute decisions means, what self-responsibility means and with the pillar, to which I've abdicated my responsibility no longer being here, I cannot use justifications any longer, I must stand absolute as a living principle - that is my decision I commit to.

So with Bernard not being here, I experienced my responsibilities as a burden, as something that is too much to carry and yet, I tried to force myself to stand as these responsibilities and within that, tried to control the outcomes while not understanding that: as long as I use energy to force myself to walk, the decision I have made is not absolute as it is not coming through as a natural expression of and as myself. I continued investigating the movement between force and natural expression and I have found that the only thing that separated me from moving as an expression is my own self interest. Meaning, the decision to stand and walk as a living principle cannot be done while holding on to my self interest, to the preprogram desires, wants and needs; it must be absolute.

"…Now, what is interesting is that most of the things that come up in our Minds have a direct-relationship to the “I”, where we exist through the Mind’s I and not the ‘physical eyes’, where we exist within Illusion instead of reality – where we will thus in such a moment only see the “I’s WANT” – instead of through the physical eyes, in terms of ‘who/what’s involved, what’s the responsibility in reality, what’s the consequence if I do not stand/direct/change/take responsibility in this moment, what would be best for all and my relationship to all/everything involved with taking this action/doing this thing/giving direction?’ None of that is taken into consideration in a moment, only the I of the Mind and its WANT, the MY WANT is taken into consideration. PLUS one get an added FEELING to it (Man!!! What a Prize!!!) when/as one go into that self-interested relationship of “I and WANT” instead of Here and Responsibility…"

And that is exactly the point - moving from the I and Want to Here and Responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see this life as a burden and within that, hoping for another to walk it for me and for all – as long as I could hold onto my desires, wants and needs without realizing that unless I stand, unless I become the +1 within the equality equation, I am the living expression of a burden, literally. In this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted my responsibility to stand absolute as a living principle of life that is best for all and thus, I trust myself that I apply myself to the utmost potential of and as myself and within that, I accept my responsibility in this life. In this, I commit myself to when and as I see myself accessing the energetic force of resistance to stand accountable and responsible, to then stop, take a breath, place myself within and as my body, here, and move as a natural expression within the decision to stand as a living principle of and as life that is best for all. I realize that in slowing down, walking moment by moment, it is when I am effective; it is when I support myself and thus others; it is when I am here; and that is my responsibility as it is not so much about what I do, it is who I am within what I do.


Anonymous said...

Thank you, Maya, for sharing your profound writing.
As if heavens crushed down...The mind stopped when i read the unfathomable news...
But how lucky you were to live in the Presence of Big Man! I could only dream that I would meet Him one day...My heart is beating intensely every time I see Bernard's photo or read about him...It is a very very great loss for all and everyone.
-Olga Garshina,from Russia

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