Just another Drama Queen - Day 258

 

 

So a point opened up yesterday - I was off, down, without any specific reason, nothing really happened but the general Experience was of a mini Depression. For a moment, I allowed it, I justify it, tried to avoid it, saying to myself that I'm tired because it is extremely hot. The fact that my body is well adjust to heat and that the heat in South Africa is 'nothing' in comparison to Israel wasn't relevant in my eye's view.

I had pain in my upper leg which again, I justified it as a physical point that manifested due to me pushing myself in aerobic exercises. And again, the excuse was that "I need to take a day off from practicing, my body is showing me that I need to rest. it must have been because I pushed to hard in the last exercise session"'.

 

But, I am 'Lucky' to live in a supportive environment that would expose me to my own dishonesties and would 'force' me to a level of self honesty to see the real core/source point that I'm facing which I haven't sorted out as an indication of a physical consequences that manifested in my upper leg. So, Esteni came to see me and while we were discussing the system that were busy showing itself on my upper leg, I was looking at the core/origin/source point that I've accepted and allowed within myself. I saw a few dimensions that I haven't considered before within my application but the main point I would like to speak about today is my Need to Create a Drama when everything is OK.

 

It's like - Everything was fine, things works and I am becoming more effective within my time management which gave me a few hours during the day without any particular responsibility I had walk BUT, without having to work, my mind went into a shock and immediately I created a fake Drama for me to participate with. Which is fascinating because the few hours that suddenly cleared up on my Schedule, which was a shock to my systems,  wasn't something I prepared myself for; it was something out of my ordinary routine and so - instead of moving and directing myself, I allowed myself to follow my mind into fear of - "is this what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Is it possible that I will have moments without having anything particular to do? Are you sure there isn't something I must do now? How can it be that I have a free moment for myself? Maybe I forgot something? There must be something that I've missed.. And so - from not having any particular task to do, and seeing everyone around me busy, I went into the Fear of my Future - to now think about: "what am I going to do with my life? Will I have a partner in my life? Who is a good candidate for a relationship? Can it be Here or would I have to leave the farm to find a partner in Israel? But maybe I should go to Prague? Or the US? or Canada or Mexico"? Man - my mind went into so many directions - everything but to simply be here, appreciate the moment of nothingness, breathe and be OK with myself without having to do anything..

 

So in essence - this train of thoughts was a distraction, was how I've programmed myself to react when I have a moment for myself and how I would occupied myself in my mind to avoid a moment of intimacy with myself by simply be 'here'. When I snapped out of this mind fuck and re-aligned my starting point through removing all the mind distraction I found an interesting design - the Drama Queen Character.

 

A few years back, I when I was just starting my 'real' independent life, I worked in a company where one of my Co-Workers ALWAYS had a Drama in her life. In comparison to her, my life was a complete boring story. My house was a few blocks from work and we spent lots of time in my house after work. Each day, she would tell me another Dramatic story from the Previous day. I was Jealous because I was bored and I also wanted to have stories to share. You know the saying: be careful what you wish for? Lol  I manifested the Drama that I wished to have but only if I knew that Drama, isn't pleasant in most cases.

 

But when I go back to my memories, the Drama Queen character was always active to a certain degree. I remember one day, grade 5, I fell down to the ground from a small platform. I mean, really small - it was only 3 stairs away from the ground. The platform was in the path between my class room and the teacher lounge.

When I fell down, I started screaming so laud so that all the teacher could hear me, and all the kids would feel sorry for me. Basically, I wanted the attention.

 

So, within my next blogs to come, I'll open up this point in more details to stop the sabotage cycle that I accepted and allowed through the creation of the Drama Queen Character and within that, assist and support myself in becoming Ok and intimate with myself. Now within that context, intimacy isn't from a sexual perspective, it is a relationship with myself of appreciation, care and respect. 

 

 

Coincidences or a Mind Fuck? Day 257

You know when you think about someone from your past and than, a few days after you hear about them, or they contact you? or when you think about something and the moment after someone comes and shared with you about what they were thinking and then you like - 'oh, wow, I just thought about the same thing'.

Or when you felt that something specific is about to happen and when it does, you like - 'OMG, I knew It'.

 

Have you noticed how much time and thoughts one invest when such moments occur? How one analyse it and talk about and go off into one's mind and look at it, create assumptions, ideas, interpretations?

And if that occur a few times and let's say that for instance, one and another always think about the same things, 'feel' each other and then create this special bond, connection between each other and one would speak about it, and share about it with others and feel so special.

 

But also, one would wonder in one's mind whether or not such things have a meaning, purposes; One would wonder whether it has to do with one's developed awareness or sensitivity to things; One would wonder about it A LOT in one's mind and would occupied oneself in a few occasions during one's day.

 

What I've noticed for myself the other day when I thought about something I would like doing and in the next moment, a friend came to me and suggested we will do the same thing I was just thinking about. We were making fun of it, saying that it must had happened because we are now aligned after the 21th December thing but in a way, it wasn't funny because we missed the point of self introspection and self responsibility within the principle of investigate all things and keep that which is good; I simply let it go.

 

But later on, I did find myself looking at this point while I was cleaning the floors; I was thinking about the tendency that I have lately to be more aligned with other people in terms of thoughts.

HOWEVER - I immediately could see, realize and understand how easy it is to fuck with myself because have a look - I was cleaning the floor, and instead of actually Breathe through this entire process and stand as the directive principle in every movement I make, I went of to my mind, wondered about this "ability" to be aligned with other people mind. I mean, come 'on - seriously, was I that stupid believing myself that I was aligned with other people minds while I am in my mind, not standing here, firm, stable, breathing, directing each and every moment?!

 

The Point that I would like to bring to this blog to expand our awareness to how easy it is for us to slip into our minds, where we wonder about things, think about stuff and within that completely miss a breath, miss a moment of opportunity to really be 'Here', one and equal to each and every movement we make.

It is so easy to occupy ourselves in our mind, imagining things, playing scenes, having internal conversations with ourselves and others in our minds. In that, we miss the actual Questions we must ask ourselves -

 

So for instance, with this coincident/alignment with other's mind - what we should ask ourselves is: How this application can assist and support me? How being aligned with another minds can result with an outcome that would be best for all? Why is it that I'm aligned with one's or two people minds and I'm not able to be aligned with everything that exists? Who am I within this? Was I or am I the directive principle within it? have I decided that I want to wonder off in my mind or I simply followed that which came up? why did it came up? where did it come from? From where my thoughts are coming from and why? Why have I felt so special with the bond/connection I developed with another to the extent of which we think about the same stuff?

 

What we must realize is - anything that comes up in our mind while we weren't the directive principle is an indication of us missing a breath, us missing ourselves, us following our pre-program designs and go to places that would give us an experience we would like to experience in separation of ourselves and each other.

Following our minds, wondering, imagining and occupying ourselves for hours, indicate our weakness of standing as the self power we can become if/when we decides to. So the real question we must ask ourselves is: Why are we still accepting and allowing this? Why are we so desperately insisting on keeping our mind's existent? Why are we allowing ourselves to continue existing as program instead of living as Physical human beings? And why is it so difficult to STOP? Is it really difficult or a justification we use?

 

I mean, there are many questions we must ask ourselves even though the answers wouldn't be answers that we would like to hear. Despite of this, we must ask the questions and commit to the practical application of the answers. Why? Because it had come too far - this world is a reflection of what we allow existing within ourselves - we must change and become the living example of that which is best for all because really, there is not excuse or justification that would be acceptable for why we shouldn't change and correct what we have done. Make sense?