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In the last few days, I started going more into depth within my investigation - who I am in relation to Voice Tonalities and last night a new point opened up - I was talking on the phone with a someone I've known my entire life and over the years, I started developing specific reactions in relation to specific voice tonality which I've interpreted as Manipulation. Thus, when/as I heard this specific sound/voice, I shifted within myself where I would be uncertain as to how to direct the conversation from that moment onwards because I believed that the words the being is speaking are taint with manipulation. These reactions are so minute that unless Sunette asked me whom I was talking with and asked me to go back to the conversation to see any slight reaction, I wouldn't even consider the moment and wouldn't see the reaction I allowed within myself.
What I have not considered was that by interpreting the sound, the voice tonality as manipulation, I didn't actually hear the other being, I didn't embrace the other being because I was in that moment going into my mind, "protecting" myself from what I believed to be manipulation, not taking the other person into consideration wherein for them, it won't be conscious manipulation or it won't be manipulation at all - it could be a simple point of how they express themselves in that moment in the context of who they are and the process they are walking.
So I started looking at my memories with people that I was reacting to when I perceived their words, the tonality/sound of the words to be manipulation and how within the reaction that I've accepted and allowed in these moments, I was only looking at what they were saying from my mind, not actually physically hearing them and thus, not practically supporting them within the point they are facing. It is interesting that in these moments of reactions to perceived manipulation, I would become aggressive, tough and blunt, not considering them, who they are, where they are within their process and so forth. Obviously, my behavior created friction and conflict within our relationship which does not support any of us.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpreted specific sound/voice tonality as manipulation and within that, creating an idea within my mind that every word the other is speaking is no longer valid as it is taint with manipulation. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that through defining a specific voice tonality to be manipulation, I invalidated the other person and made them less than who they are within my mind, not allowing myself to really hear what they are saying, where they are within their process, who they are in relation to the words they are speaking and more importantly, not investigating who I am in relation to the context of what they are saying.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge the other for trying to manipulate me according to a specific sound/voice tonality that I've defined as manipulation. The interesting thing is that so long as I accepted and allowed myself to react to a specific voice tonality that I've defined/associated with manipulation, I have not investigate who I am in relation to this voice tonality and whether or not I was the one who is using this sound/voice tonality to manipulate a specific moments/people in a moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention towards other people 'faults' (believing that they are manipulating me) wherein 'their fault' is a fault that I've created within my mind as a smoking screen from which I cannot see who I am in relation to the 'fault' I've projected towards them.
I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to be gentle, comforting, attentive in moments where I believed that the other is indirectly saying something to me as I perceived their voice tonality to be manipulative. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to physically hear what the other is saying, the context of what they are saying and expressing, who they are in relation to the context of what they are saying and so forth. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself within the starting point of reaction to a specific voice tonality which I defied as manipulation, to not consider the other human being and the consequences thereof where I would slowly but surely developed resistance speaking to them so that I won't have to face these discomfort moments where I believed to be manipulated by them.
I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to face myself in moments of reactions towards specific sound/voice tonality which I have defined/associated with manipulation but instead, I developed resistance towards these people and created a friction within my relationship with these people which in essence means that instead of facing my reactions and moving to the physical correction application, I resisted these people that activate the reaction within me without ever stopping to investigate who I am in relation to this reaction and the resistance I have developed towards these people.
I commit myself to become aware of every and all slightest movement within the nature of reaction to/towards specific voice tonality that I've defined as manipulation and to - when and as I see myself reacting to what I perceived to be manipulation, to stop, take a breath, bring myself back to my physical body and to embrace the other being within myself to be able to physically hear what they are saying within the context of who they are within their own process and who I am in relation to what they are saying.
I commit myself to become consciously aware of the changes in the voice tonalities that I'm expressing, to assist and support myself in my process of change. I see, realize and understand that when/as I'm expressing myself with a fluctuation in my voice tonalities while I was not consciously making the decision to change my voice tonality, it is a flag for me to see that I'm not absolutely here but somewhere in my mind and thus require to stop, change my starting point, clear myself and move on.
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1 comments:
Thanks for sharing - Maya
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