Establishing Self Trust - Part 1- Day 85

It has been very clear today, within myself, that I've not yet established an absolute self trust within myself and I see now that what ever I worked with thus far, needs to be re-walked when and as self trust will be absolute within and as myself. So, I'm taking a moment to look at Self Trust and the Decision of who I am as the expression of self trust.

From a very young age, within me, there was always a sense of doubt even in times that I've presented myself as clear, stable and comfortable within who and what I am;

In every decision that I've made during my life, it was always in dependency to how others perceive, allow or judge me and only when those component where aligned with my decision, I could experience myself as if I've made the "right" decision and respectively, if the others didn't approve/allowed the decision, I would experience inner turmoil as if I made the "wrong" decision.

It is fascinating how my decisions were always in alignment to the voices in my head where I played all the possible scenes, people, possibilities and have discussion with them, still in my mind, to justify why the decision that I'm about to do is the right thing and I planned in advance their reactions and accordingly, discussed that with them, in my mind, to prepare myself to face the friction/conflict which obviously, it never worked out because in the moment of conflict, I was never stable within and as myself, always defending my decision, trying to prove that I'm right.

I have never considered that doubt can only emerge when and as my decision isn't clear within and as myself as well as not trusting who I am within the decision and stand stable despite of other people opinions and reactions. I have never considered that If I'm planning to make a decision in the future, I'm not in fact changing as the decision was somewhere in the future and only when I decide, I will change. Thus change, wasn't really a part of the equation within the decision making so, did I really ever change or only created a character that have changed one's suit?

So, throughout my life, even when my decision didn't stand the accepted social norms and yet, I've made them, doubt was a constant experience. Like despite of me walking my decisions, still back chats, inner turmoil, inner conversation with other beings in my world was allowed within and as myself which reveal one very obvious point - self trust as who I am, wasn't established/lived which questioned all and every decision that I've made thus far.

And thus, back to the drawing board so to speak and walk the time line of all the decisions that I have ever made allocate the starting point, look at the information that I was working with in order to make a decision, what memories was part of the decision making and accordingly, in self honesty, make sure that I am able to practically stand for eternity, as the decisions as who I am, in self trust, despite of the frictions, conflicts and disagreements that may emerge in my world and my reality.

As I write, I experience nausea just above my solar plexus, more to the heart area and when I spoke the word "fear" the nausea became more dominant which confirm that it is in fact Fear that I'm experiencing.

The fear is in the nature of expecting the worst as part of the decision making because in essence, I'm dealing with changing who I have become to Who I am as Self trust as a decision, that decision of standing in the face of existence as self trust implies that I change, that change, wouldn't necessarily be accepted by the people in my world and my reality and may cause friction and conflict as they will want to keep me as a character - a character of self doubt, indecisionness, inferior so that their world will be safe and sound and none will be forced to change with and as me.

So How has the system supported me in making decision in self doubt and why is it that we were not supported to make decisions within and as the principle of that which is best for all and absolutely trust ourselves within and as who we are, in self trust? And how, to practically assist and support myself to stand in absolute self trust within and as every moment of every breath?

Despite the fact that I've never been really punished as a child, was never physically abused as a child, I've still made my decisions in fear. For me, the emotional manipulation was far worst than a fear of physical abuse/punishment because other's emotions were always my directive principle and I was easily allowed myself to be manipulated/influenced by it.

I was always very reactive to other people body language, emotional reactions and I was willing to diminish and compromise myself for the sake of 'peace' within my relationship dynamics with people in my world and my reality.  But, is it really so? Was it a peace that I was seeking for or the rewarding experience of a 'feeling' good/right? Was the reward a  point that I placed trust in?

It is becoming clear now that I've place trust in anything and anyone who provide for me the experience of reward. Either as energetic experience via a positive affirmation/validation of me or either through a material rewards that I've got because I was apparently "good".

Am I willing to stand in the face of existence, in absolute self trust no matter what may come? In the face of a conflict, friction and disagreement and trust myself within who I am as the directive principle of myself and my world? Am I willing to stand without any energetic movement when and as the other did not agreed with me? Am I willing to Change?

Will continue in my next blog.