"A few months ago, a very good friend of mine died unexpectedly and I noticed that since then, I became over sensitive when someone in my immediate environment is injured / sick (either a human or an animal). I also noticed that I'm taking it personally when I am unable to medically support them in specific moments. For most part, it is because I have background in medicine and specifically, first aid, however, not always the injuries are part of my training and I find myself standing helpless if you will, when another is suffering and I can do nothing. What I also noticed is how quickly I go into blame and anger towards the person who had unexpectedly died, for not being here with us to direct such moments because previously it was what he used to do however, this tendency of blaming and being angry at my friend for not being here to support us, basically showing that I haven't yet taken absolute responsibility for my environment, for myself, as I am still looking for solutions outside of myself, in separation of myself.
Those that had knew the friend that had died knows that in his presence, one feels safe and stable no matter how things in reality are playing out; this friend could just look at me or place his hand on my shoulder and I was stable however with his death, I had to learn to stabilize myself as I now realize that it was never another that had stabilize myself per say, I was simply shown that it would always be me that could stabilize myself - the look/touch on the shoulder created a space for me to realize this point for myself - that I have the potential to assist and support myself in directing moments by moments to the best of my ability if only I give myself the permission to stand stable within and as myself and look for solutions within myself instead of outside of myself.
Well, unfortunately, I could only realize this for myself with another's death - as the other is not here anymore to create the space for me to stabilize myself and within this thus, blaming another or being angry at another for dying, is an abdication of self responsibility because I had already proven to myself that I am able and capable to assist and support myself, for/as myself; "
The above writing is something I wrote a few weeks ago when my roommate got injured. She asked me to help her and I couldn't because the injury that she had was not part of my training and trying to help could have made it even worse. I pushed myself as much as possible to remain stable not only for myself but ALSO for my friend. When she was taken to the hospital, I had a momentary mini panic attack as I experienced myself as powerless and so, instead of immediately taking self responsibility, I shifted to the blame and anger I described above.
I spent the night investigating and sourcing the starting point of the emotional breakdown I had experienced inside myself, I sounded Self Forgiveness to assist and support myself as well as preparing the way for if/when another in my immediate environment get injured/sick. What I have seen was that when someone is injured and I don't have the knowledge and/or training to support them immediately, I went into a point of disempowerment within myself, looking for solutions outside of myself as a reaction, instead of simply first stabilize myself, so that I could stabilize my environment and trust myself to find the solutions that would be the best. For instance, it doesn't mean that I must be able to stand as a medical support for everything that is playing out in my environment; but what I am able to do is to look and see what would be the best approach to take in every given moment. I haven't realize that with me reacting to me not being able to medically support another, I am in essence not supporting the other because the best support would be to stand stable, investigate solutions in real time and direct the moment in stability and clarity. To do that, one do not need to have the knowledge/information and/or training - all one needs to do is stand within and as oneself and the solution would present itself.
Unfortunately, a few days after, my roommate came to me saying that the injury got worse and she asked me to have a look. This time, I applied the Commitments I have placed for myself for when/as someone in my environment is injured/sick. So I looked at the point, I checked myself to ensure I have no reactions inside myself and once all was clear within myself, I was able to direct the point. Direct the point meaning - on a medical personal capacity, I couldn't do ANYTHING for my roommate however, within stability, I strongly suggested to her to go and see a professional practitioner right away as it was obvious that the physical body required support. I again couldn't go with her to the hospital due to other responsibilities I had to attend to however this time, having my commitments in place, I remained stable within myself.
I'm grateful for the tools that I have to assist and support myself and my environment - Self Forgiveness to realize what I had accepted and allowed myself to participate with and the Commitment statement to prepare the way before me for a physical and immediate change.
If you haven't already, I suggest familiarize yourself with these tools through the Free Online Beginners course - DIP Lite
Thanks.
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Art work - Henry Asencio, 1972 ~ Essence of Woman
1 comments:
Thanks Maya.
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