Throughout my process, I've been working a lot with the design of Superiority/Inferiority as that has been the primary point that had sabotage my relationships with myself and with others. Recently, I've started becoming aware of a pattern that I've participated with throughout my entire life and in away, I've always noticed it but found ways to justify for myself why I'm right to participate in it within my mind. However, this cannot be justified any longer and honestly, I don't want to justify it any longer as I see now how I've deliberately sabotaged and limited my relationship with those whom I can learn the most within the process of transforming my weakness to strengths, to live to my upmost potential as a living expression of myself.
Let me explain - Within the inferiority/superiority structure, whereas one see and define oneself as inferior to others, one would unconsciously find ways, both internally and externally, to diminish beings that one perceives to be more than self and in that way, one is in essence suppress one's experience of Inferiority that one is experiencing within and as oneself.
The reason why I named this blog 'the Vampires Feed' is specific - it is the best way I could describe how I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the Inferiority/Superiority design where I would find and feed off another's weaknesses, so that I could cope/deal with my experience of inferiority within/as myself.
In the past couple of weeks, I've been investigating the point of 'Living my Potential' (Trying to be someone we are not - Day 448) and I've noticed that the people that I'm reacting the most, are the people that represent to me the potential of who I am able to create myself as. When I started to understand the source of my reaction towards them, as them representing me a potential that I'm not standing equal and one yet, I've found that thus far, I was only looking at one dimension within the reactions that I had towards them, the dimension of the external reaction when/as specific sounds/voice tonality triggers unresolved point within myself but.. There is deeper inner reaction that is constantly active though, not so much in the background as I would have imagined a 'deeper reaction' to be, as it is very much conscious, as thoughts in the nature of judgment that runs rampant within my mind.
What I have seen is that a reaction started internally, in the form of judgment upon points that I've defined as their weaknesses and slowly but surely, these thoughts accumulated, and energy built up inside myself, waiting to express itself as external reaction. Then, after I externally reacted, I would move to internal reaction in the nature of judgment, trying to justify why I was right to externally react. Meaning, when I worked with the point of external reaction to another being in my environment, I was only looking at the reaction as if it was suddenly manifesting, not realizing that I built up and accumulated moments of internal reactions, in the form of judgment upon points that I've perceived and defined to be their weaknesses.
In other words, I locked myself into a time loop of reactions towards those whom I defined as Superior to me by moving myself from internal to external to internal reaction and so forth; each time the reaction expressed itself differently so I didn't see the connection, the source, the reasons behind these reactions and with this, I couldn't see the gifts that these reactions represent once I physically correct and change my living application.
This is just the tip of the iceberg and in the next blogs to come, I would open up the dimensions that I've started seeing within myself in relation to the inferiority/superiority design within the context of weaknesses and strengths as the potential of who I can create myself as a living expression of myself.
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