A Cheater in One's Mind - Day 234

This is a continuation to:

Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship - Day 172

 

As I've mentioned in the Blog Why Females attracted to Males that are unavailable for a relationship, I had the tendency in my past to find myself attracted mostly to the unavailable males. What start as "innocence communication" and getting to know the being, ended up in a secret sexual relationships.

 

This specific Relationship that I'll be walking here is one of these relationships that lasted for a while, on and off. It all started 11 years ago, when I met a couple when I was traveling somewhere in the world. We spent a few days together and we split up to different directions however, we decided that a few months later, when the female returned to Israel, I'll be joining to  the male along with another friend of his. As was agreed by all parties, I joined the guys for a month and a half and we travelled around, the 3 of us together. What I didn't know at that stage was that there was a secret agreement between the couple that when she will not be there, he could be with me. Till this day I have no idea why none of them told me about this agreement at that point but only years later - which I will get to as I continue writing.

 

So, you know.. Traveling overseas, sleeping in small joint rooms and being all day and night together leads to sexual relationships in most cases. However, his friend was there and innocent me, believed that he doesn't know about us fooling around and this all secretive thing attracted me even more because it was like we had this special bond that only he and I were aware of. During all this time I knew it was a temporary thing because he has a partner and I also liked his partner and didn't want to harm the relationship. Interestingly enough, the guilt wasn't that extensive while we were traveling - the guilt emerged when we were back in Israel.

 

And so, this journey ended - he returned to Israel and I continued to travel with his friends and couple more friends that we met during the way. His friend and I, never discussed what had happened between his friend and I, as if none of it existed and we were simply 3 people, traveling together but there was always this tension between us. he was angry at me for being with his friend and I didn't want to face it by talking about it.

 

When I returned to Israel, I started a new life - met new people, got into the Alcohol and Parties arena and was more 'free butterfly' in comparison to how I used to be, before the 6 months trip in the world that I did.

I got a phone call one day from the guy I was with in a secretive relationship and he told me that he moved to a city close to where I lived and that he wants to meet me. I don't remember the exact details but I met him and we initially became close again, no sex. He started being more consistent in his approach towards me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I knew his girlfriend is now in the same country as we were and I justified it to myself that it isn't right.

 

One night, we went to a party together and for a moment, we split up. I went to talk to my bartender friends while he went to put my bag in the storage room. Without anyone noticing it, (and till this day I don't know what happened), someone put something in my drink. Any way, as the guy came towards the bar to meet me, I fainted. After a few moments I woke up and I was no longer standing were I stood, I was on the way out with the guy assistance and support. However, in the moment after I fainted again and when I woke up, we were at the entrance of the storage room to take my bag and go home. We finally went out but yet again, I fainted on the middle of the road. Next thing that I remember was us two sitting near the party place, stabilizing my physical as he was holding me, hugging me and taking care of me. Once I was stable again, he kissed me. I took a step back and asked him to stop. This is when he told me the secret agreement that he had with his partner back then, when we were in the overseas, in trying to convince me that it is ok for us to fool around. I didn't accept it and as he pushed more, I resisted more and started experiencing resentment towards him. A few days or weeks after, we met again, after he had promise me that he won't kiss me or try to do anything. However, within me, I really wanted to have sex with him and so we did.  After we had sex, the guilt started to take over because now, I knew within and as myself that I'm responsible, that I did something that I shouldn't do and that I cannot justify myself by saying to myself: "but hey - you are not the one who has a partner, it is his responsibility". I was on my way to get out and leave but before I left, I told him that this must stop and we cannot do this again. If necessary, we won't meet again.

Then he told me that he loves me, that he fell in love with me and that he is leaving his partner if I'll take him.

But me, scared as hell of being intimate for real with another and within that, being in a relationship that might hold for more than a few months, I told him that he doesn't love me, he loves his partner and that he should forget about me and move back to the city he came from where she is. For years later I felt regret that I didn't follow this through because this guy, was a guy to bring home lol. But that is another design that I will write about in another blog.

 

When he told me he loved me, I became completely frightened. I was shocked and my only reaction was - " 'WTF' it cannot be real, it is wrong, no, I cannot allow it." Obviously, I didn't investigate my reactions back then and I simply ignored all of that. So, to be able to face this in terms of suppressing the experience, I started having hatred feelings towards him as if he is so bad for doing this to his partner, not seeing my responsibility within it. and so, I don't think I ever saw him again, we might spoke on the phone one time, by chance, when a friend of mine figured out years later that her co-worker knows me so she called me from work and he took the phone from her. I think that was when he told me that him and his partner are getting married.

 

A few weeks ago, he contacted me. He told me that so much had happened and that he wanted to share with me. I was sure that he either has kids or that they broke up. the thought about him having kids was like a pin in my heart and the thought of them no longer together was like an inner excitement, like maybe now we can set things right. Apparently, they do not have kids but they are still together lol.

 

Then, I got another E-mail from him, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me for the last 2 weeks and that he told his co-workers about me and the other friend that were traveling with us and how he would like to hug me like old time style. (the time we were together overseas).

 

I reacted to this - first within excitement as if I still have influence on him, because he still have secret thoughts about me, that he remembers me and that if I only want to, he would leave his partner. Then, when I reminded myself that I've walked through the design of me wanting those who are unavailable, the why and how I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to participate in the design and what are the consequences, I initially felt ashamed for participating within the energy experience of excitement when reading his words and seeing his expression in my mind saying these words, then I moved into Guilt within the back chat of - what if she reads this e-mail? I don't want to be responsible for their brake up, I don't want this to start all over again, and then I moved to Anger which I projected towards him. I wrote him back that I really hope that he isn't doing anything in that nature with anyone else because he is married now. I didn't hear from him since.

 

The next day, I started investigating my reactions, my emotions and feelings and why and how this point presented itself again. How is it that despite of me seeing the design, I still invite it into my life and still not standing up and directing myself effectively in not accepting and allowing this kind of shit within me and this world. I felt guilty for this point having to present itself again for me to face and correct myself while I influence other people lives and within that messes up their life.

I was reminded then that the only thing I must focus on is me, and my responsibility within it all. What ever they are going through, is their process to walk because as long as I haven't sorted out myself, I wouldn't be able to stand as a support for them.

 

 

Will continue sharing my investigation and correction in my next blog