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This is a continuation to:
The Elite's delusion of stress - Part 1 - Day 45
The Elite's Delusion of Stress - Part 2 - Day 46
And:
Copy Paste Character - the Way for Success? - Day 183
Copy Paste Character - The Education System - Day 184
Is it possible to Cheat yourself? Day 185
It is time to STOP Existing as a Human Machine - Day 186
Facing the Evil within - the KEY to LIFE - Day 188
Fear of Disappointing others - Day 189
The Psychology of TIME - Day 190
I Regret, therefor, I'm a Good Person. NOT!!! - Day 191
The things we Won't tell ANYONE - Day 193
Missing out on the Good Life - Day 194
Stupidity Loop - Jumping from the Bad to the Good to the Bad - Day 196
The Smoke Screen of Ignorance - Day 197
Having the Life Style you always dreamt to have - Day 209
For the purpose of context, suggest reading these posts above prior to reading the post below, if you haven’t already. Here I will be walking the 'I don't have TIME' Character - Internal Conversation/ back chat Dimension - Practical support with Self Forgiveness and Self Commitments.
Here, one must understand that the Back chat, are the source of all Evil wherein, what one accepting and allowing within oneself, within the belief that no one will ever find out, is nasty and evil shit. Therefor, I will be walking back chat by back chat, in making sure I purify myself from the Evil that I've accepted and allowed within myself, in the context of the ' I don't have Time' Character.
Internal Conversation/ back chat Dimension:
"Damn, I will never have a moment for myself ever again."
Ok, so for this back chat, you must understand the time line for further context.
A few months ago, I moved my working area to the main house as well with other people on the farm that did the same because we saw it is a cool point for us to spend time together and enjoy each other presence.
When visitors are here, there is lots of movement and action and 'my comfort zone' of working in the main house is not so comfort anymore. But also it is because - I would have enjoyed spending time with them and participate in the activities they are creating for themselves but at the same time - 'I don't have time'.
The friction and conflict within the backchat - 'I will never have a moment for myself ever again' was a reaction towards the current living condition on the farm where most of the day, I spend my time working on my computer in the main house and when I'm in my room, the walls are so thin that you can hear the other person breathing. Before I came to the farm, I lived alone, in my little isolated place where I was literally alone, most of the time and I Enjoyed my alone time with myself extremely. Going out and being with other people would be a waste of time for me because my priorities was to focus on my process and working with the Desteni group.
But also, this specific moment when this back chat came up, was when there were many visitors on the farm and the main house was crowded and I felt jealousy towards the visitors because I couldn't 'enjoy' my time with them due to my work load. And also for them, it is a sort of vacation from their day to day living conditions back home, and for me - there are no vacations. So seeing them, laid back, triggered the 'I don't have Time' character within and as me and all I wanted to do is to isolate myself, in my room, and not being destructed by the pictures that I see. However, I saw that my starting point was not valid and thus, I decided to remain in the main house but I didn't investigate the point within and as myself to be absolutely clear and I accepted and allowed the back chat to accumulate as you would see in my next blogs to come. So, this point of 'I will never be alone again' was coming from comparing my current living condition with my previous living conditions and through this friction, I let myself go to the extreme of feeling sorry for myself, (to not face the jealousy), in taking myself down the road of self pity in utilizing every justification I could find, to make myself remain in this state of inner conflict and friction.
At the same this was happening in my mind, an old acquaintance from primary school was in South Africa and he suggested that I take a vacation and travel around with him. When I assessed whether or not that would be practical and supportive, I saw that it wouldn't because if I do this, I would compromise some points that I am busy working on but the desire to take a vacation and travel around was still very much prominent.
When I was looking at these 2 points, still in reactions, I saw that in terms of what is best for all is that I let go and give up my desires because I have only this life time to get this done however, seeing the common sense in it, and actually applying it, takes a decision within self realization and not just seeing it as a statement that is coming from knowledge and information and within that obviously, having back chats implied that I was not yet willing to make that decision, as long as I accept and allow the imaginary moves in my head, the back chat and the inner conflict and friction within and as me.
So, within the context of " I will never be alone again", what I also missed was that I'm never alone in fact because this world, this existence consists of and exists as multiple relationships that I've separated myself from and yet, it exists meaning - we are never alone in fact, it is only through our perception and the acceptance and allowance of separation from everything that exists that we believe that if we are not around other human beings that we are alone while the physical reality is still very much alive and all around us.
And So -
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define 'being alone' with having no human beings around me, where I'm isolated from human beings and having the opportunity to occupy myself in my mind, with no other beings to point it out and support me to see that which I accept and allow within and as my mind.
Thus, I commit myself to when and as I see myself planning and scheming how to remove myself from my immediate environment to my isolated piece of land, I Stop, I breathe and I investigate what in that moment I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with, what I'm trying to avoid and suppress and accordingly, I take responsibility in directing and moving myself effectively to sort out the mess that I've accepted and allowed within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone in moments where I 'prefer' to run a way from the environment that triggers memories in my mind which activate reactions within and as myself within the belief that what I can't see, won't hurt me. In that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that when and as I'm running away from what I perceive to hurt me, without directing myself and sorting myself out, all I'm doing is suppressing myself believing that I'm alright, while there is entire unresolved existence within and as me that would slowly but surely accumulate into a complete disaster. In this, I forgive myself that I've NOT seen, realized and understood that as within, so without which means that, every time we try to suppress and ignore the world living conditions by blinding our eyes and isolating us in our fortress, deliberately separating ourselves from that which is going on in this world, not seeing, realizing and understanding the harm, abuse and suffering that still exists despite our deliberate ignorance and unless we sort out our mess, the mess that we individually and collectively created, the harm, abuse, and suffering in this world would remain with no actual and substantial change.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself the back chat "I will never have a moment for myself again" because I now see, realize and understand where, how and why I've accepted and allowed this back chat to emerge in the first place and within that, I now see, realize and understand that not only I will never have a moment for myself, I never actually had a moment for myself as I've NOT seen, realized and understood the interconnectedness, the interdependency and the intertwined relationships that exists within and as every moment, every breath, regardless of our awareness of its existence.
I commit myself to SHOW that as within so without and unless we stand up and sort the shit from within and accordingly sort the shit from without, no change is ever possible and the harm, abuse and suffering of the majority of this world will remain unsolved. Within that, I commit myself to SHOW and EXPLAIN why and how it is our responsible to sort out the mess that exists in this world as it was us that created this mess in the first place within and as the principle that - as within, so without, as above, so blow.
I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that 'Not ever having time for myself' is a self interest deliberate separation from all that is here and as such, is complete ignorance that I've placed by my own deliberate actions to NOT stand in alignments as Life that is Here that consists of and exists as all the interdependent relationships that function together to form the 'Life' we all have.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create friction and conflict between what I perceive to be that which is bets for all and my own self interest, not seeing, realizing and understanding that none of the above are an actual representation of the principle of what is best for all because, what is best for all is not an ideal to follow, what is best for all is a measurable outcome that must be applied as who I am in every given moment and thus - I cannot conceive what is best for all is, I must become the very living expression of that which is best for all and to do that, I must let go of the limitations that I've deliberately place for me to always have a reason to justify why it is that I didn't change and transform myself to a living expression of that which is best for all.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to be and become a living expression of all that is here and to do so, I commit myself to assist and support myself in letting go all my desires, wants and needs as I see, realize and understand that as long as I hold onto these mind components, every decision that I make is controlled by my pre-conceived ideas/beliefs/opinions and as such, I'm not in fact the living force in every breath that live Equality and Oneness as an expression of who I am.
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