Parenting Support - a point to consider - Day 398

 

I've noticed that many parents tend to teach unconsciously their babies to blame others instead of taking self responsibility and here is an example that I've seen many times before -

When the baby for instance start standing up and then start walking, they tend to fall a lot. It's a natural part of their process of learning how to walk.

Sometime the fall is soft and they laugh about it and sometimes they get hurt for a moment and start crying.

The tendency of the parents is to blame the object that the child was holding for balance or the object they fell on so if for instance, the baby stood up and balanced themselves on the wall and suddenly, they lost balance and fell on a Lego cube that was on the floor; The Natural reaction of the parent is to take the Lego cube and hit it and even go further and say, "shame on you Lego Cube, why did you hurt Johnny?".

Here the parents are showing to the baby 2 things:

1. It is ok to hit others = It is ok to be abusive towards others.

2. That blaming instead of taking responsibility is valid.

Have you considered that? Have you realized that you are teaching your child to be ineffective human being that is abusive towards others and cannot be trust worthy due to not being able to take self responsibility but to instead, developing the instinct of immediately blame others?

 

So Parents, realize that the fall is in most cases not so bad and if anything, the child is crying because you have reacted and within that, what you haven't realized is that in that moment of reaction, you force the child to connect a fall with the act of crying, with the experience of negativity and fear as your reactions derive from Fears.

A tip that I received from a mother is to simply distract them from the fall and not react to it at all.

If the child is persisting in crying - don't panic, breathe and teach the child to take the pain out of their body and return in to earth. Here, they are taking self responsibility, supporting themselves with removing their pain and then let them walk the same point again so that they will not connect falling to something negative which will prolong their process of learning how to walk. Let them learn and develop their Natural Learning Ability while you direct, support and do not React.

 

Where did my Child learn to Behave like that? - Day 338

Continuing with the Question Who is Responsible for our Children's Education?

If you haven't already, I suggest reading through the previous blogs:

 

Who is Responsible for our Children's Education? - Day 332

Is the Zoo an Educational Experience for Children - Day 333

The Santa Claus Conspiracy - Can a Child Trust their Parents? - Day 334

Rejection as Parental Control? - Day 335

Rejections as Parental Authority - Day 336

Does the Education system Prepare the Children to Face the World - Day 337

 

 

In relation to the blog post: Rejections as Parental Authority - Day 336 - a few points to clarify as indicated in the following feedback I received from a friend who is a mother to a 2 years old boy:

 

"Maya I'm thinking constantly of the point of saying no to your child, and I felt quite bad, many times, when I had to say no. and I also think that a no without any explanation is wrong, but at a certain age the child does not understand what you are talking about and it seems to be better for parent and child if the little one just accepts the word NO. with 2 years my son is still not able to understand why he should not do something, like hitting the cat or dog. or throwing things at them, just cause it seems fun. and we never taught him to do so, he is not watching TV at all - seems like he is just trying things out. so I stopped explaining to him and simply tell him to stop/NO. if he doesn't stop I remove him from the place and put him into his room, at this point he is crying like hell. after a while he stops and comes out of the room. and this can happen again and again. it's really hard sometimes. I also respect his NO, I don't force him to drink or eat something if he says no.

you see, there is a point when you as a parent can make things even more worse with the explaining. the clear word NO and the action afterwards showing the child "this is not OK" by removing it from the place is in this kind of situation better. but that is my experience right now. I hope he will start to understand explanations soon, because LOL, I desperately want to explain him the world."

 

First of all, I'm grateful for this comment as it allowed me to realize that I've not walked this point effectively in showing the problem and  solutions that can be applied.

 

Secondly and more importantly, Please do not judge or feel guilty when reading these blogs because remember, while almost everything in this world requires a licence, parenting doesn't and non of us were ever prepared to walk such responsibility to the best of our ability. So here, I suggest to transform the inner judgement or guilt or feeling bad to a window of opportunity to look at things in different ways and accordingly, investigate and explore these points for oneself. Then, if the point isn't clear, let's discuss it again until we find the ultimate solutions that all of us can applied with ourselves and with our children.

 

Within this blog, I would specifically look at the question: where such behaviour, as was described by the mother above, are coming from and specifically when the TV isn't part in one's behaviour development since without TV, it would give us a clearer seeing of the 'time line' or the 'causes and affects', 'actions and responses' to see, realize and understand not only our children's behaviours but ourselves as well.

 

And before I start, let me emphasize again how crucial it is for every parent to invest in the Interview Series: Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race to be able to grasp the Quantum Mechanics involved within the Child Natural Learning Abilities from age 0-7.

 

So let's start - Let's take an example of a child that was never exposed at home to the Media, is only 2 years old and yet, picked up Behavioural components such as throwing stuff on pets or hitting them.

The child does not understand the difference between Playfulness and Harmfulness and in away, is innocence within their expression. There is no grudge or spite involves; there is no direct intention to do harm onto another and the child also does not have the words/vocabulary to understand the meaning of: "do not harm another".

 

So from where did the child pick up these behaviours that in time turned to be an harmful behaviours towards another? Let's have a look at the pattern of throwing stuff on pets. Now, let's place ourselves in the shoes of a 2 years old child and trace back our first impression where something was flying in the air towards us? What was that? It could be for example a little ball that a huge person, which later you were taught it was our parent, was throwing towards us and it hit our belly because we didn't know that we were supposed to catch the ball with our hands? And this huge person who kept on throwing the ball towards us was so happy in their expression that we have interpreted that experience into a simple equation: Throwing an object towards another = playful experience.

So from a child perspective, throwing stuff on the pet is a playful experience according to the data base of memories the child stored within and as themselves. From the child perspective, the pet's response would be equal to the parent response if we were to throw a ball towards the parent - enjoyable and playful response/expression.

 

So now we have a problem because we have shown our children, by example, that throwing stuff on/towards another is a playful and enjoyable experience and we haven't taken into consideration the outflows and consequences that this may lead to.

Thus, what do we know - we know how we created the problem and now we can start looking at solutions for that specific instance when a child throwing an object towards a pet.

 

Firstly, we start with our own self forgiveness because the tendency is to go now into blame, shame and judgement in realizing what we have done thus, let's take it out of the way before we move on to the next point.

Secondly, when or as we see our child throwing objects towards another being, whether it is a human, an animal or a toy, we first take a breath, make sure we are physically here, that we are stable, that there is no energetic movement within ourselves only we then we explain the child that throwing an object on the pet may harm it and that this behaviour is not acceptable. When we speak these words, we remain stable. If for instance, the child continue with their behaviour, we can divert their attention with another game/toy they could play with and if they didn't move to the next point, we divert them again towards the next point but our starting point is to make sure that no harm is done towards another being.

 

At some stage, the child would understand the difference between playfulness and harmfulness and until the point is here, we remain stable and consistently apply common sense in explaining the child what are the consequences of a harmful behaviour. Obviously, there would be cases when the child is completely possessed and won't stop crying when we remove the pet from their direct seeing, when we apply the attention diversion technic. If that occur, we remain stable and become affirm within our standing, within our voice tonality because we have develop absolute trust within ourselves and the principles we stand for and as which within that, what we would accept and allow and what you would not is clear to us. In this, slowly but surely, as the child grows, our communication would develop and become effective as we start walking with the child, in awareness. Remember, it is a process and it will take time, patience and practice until we establish our effectiveness as a parent.

 

Let's continue this discussion with more examples and solution in the next blog.