We always know, and we can always trace it back (when we slow ourselves down), to the exact and specific moment that of any decision we had made and within that, see in self honesty what justifications and excuses we had utilized to CONvinced ourselves to make the decision.
For instance, as I've shared in the blog: Just another Drama Queen - Day 258 an event/Memory that I participated with, when I was 10 years old. When I slowed myself down, I could see quite clearly everything that moved within my mind and specifically, the fact that I knew, already at age 10 years old, while fully participating in the event described, that I was deceiving myself and others to be able to get the Attention that I was seeking for and thus, I deliberately kept on going despite of seeing myself deceiving and manipulating the moment. Why? For the Reward that I was after, as an Experience of feeling cared for as well as being in the Centre of everyone's attention. How I have justified it within and as myself was - "well, everyone are already here, so what difference does it make if I stop now".
Another example which some may relate to is Cheating. Let's say one is having a secret crush towards someone that is in a relationship. Within ourselves, we know and we can directly see that going after this person isn't what is best for all because obviously, there are people that would get hurt from this. Also, within the principle of 'do to another that which you'd like to do to you' - who would want to be cheated on? no one. And yet - we allow ourselves to be participate with cheating.
However, within ourselves, the crush is slowly but surely override common sense and accumulate to a point where we lose control (because we feed the desire/crush by giving it constant attention through our thoughts participation) and we will act on it, either physically or mentally. In both cases, we would justify why it is ok to participate with this pattern/personality/behaviour on a physical level or in our imaginary/mind domain.
And why would we do such things? Why would we diminish our awareness and bury our self honesty deep in the ground? Why would we disregard the Consequences we see our decision would lead to? Because we are going to get something - a Reward, an Experience. The Reward, the Experience would be then now, our directive Principle. within that context, I suggest listening to the following interviews:
Life Review - A Cheater in my Mind
Life Review - My Life of Cheating
I Liked Married Men - Life Review
Meaning - in self honesty, can you tell me, that you have never, ever, ever, ever had thoughts about someone else while being in a relationship? While having Sex? Didn't have any Fantasy about another human beings that isn't your partner? Well, it is a rhetorical questions - everyone knows what I'm talking about. However, the real question is: How did you justify it for yourself? Did you say something like - "it is innocent, it's not that I'm going to cheat on my partner, I love my partner, it doesn't harm anyone when it's in my mind only" but doesn't it really? can you stand accountable, for eternity, that the thoughts that you have about another human being won't harm anyone? Here, self honesty is required. What did you accepted and allowed yourself to participate with thoughts about another that isn't your partner? What have you gained from it? again - a reward, an Experience - Excitement, Special, High..
I will leave you for a moment to take a look within yourself and find examples in the context of your Life where you acted as the Secret Agent, justifying for yourself what it was Ok, and within that, have a look at what have you gain from it.
Within the next blogs to come, we will continue looking at the correlation between the Secret Agent within the world system, and the Secret Agent within our Minds and within that, explore, investigate the purpose, reasons and consequences for one's acceptance and allowance of Secret Agents - as within, so without.
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