In my previous blog, I ended off with the statement:
"Understand that all of these thoughts and fears where not in my conscious mind - I was not even willing to admit it to myself. This is why I fabricated alternate reality for myself where I justified the break up with saying to myself that the relationship is too boring and that I need more excitement in my life. I suppressed everything to fast and so deep that I actually believed myself that exciting relationship was what I needed lol so, I went off, opting for exciting relationship and for years, in many ways, I led myself to destructive consequences that could have been prevented if only I allowed myself to face my fears and communicate the points openly with my parents."
On many levels, I am grateful for the decisions that I made in my past that led me to where and who I am today. The purpose of writing these blogs here is to encourage parents and teenagers to develop intimate and supportive communication with one another instead of allowing random events to lead your life and the life of your children and to rather become the directive principle of your life in awareness of the mind processes within the principle of 'Prevention is the best cure'.
For many years I had fears when it came down to having a relationship and I never understood why or what was the source of these fears. On the one hand, I wanted to have a relationship but on the other hand, I was terrified by the thought of being in a committed relationship.
Somewhere in my mind I knew that the relationship I was going for were not the type of relationships through which I am able to grow within myself with the support of another; I knew that the relationships I was going for were destructive in nature and yet, I blindly drawn to these types of relationships, never stopping to assess 'WHY' am I deliberately sabotaging myself and my relationships with others. Here, it is important that I make it very clear - I was never abused mentally or physically by any of my partners - when I am saying 'destructive in nature' I am referring to relationships of compromise, superficiality, with no real potential - never reaching to a point of absolute vulnerability and exposure with my partners where we are standing as each other support within our process of self-growth.
I mean, the guys I was dating were really good guys in their inner core, there was nothing wrong with them per say - it was the dimension I allowed them to access inside myself that compromised and sabotaged the relationship as within myself, I was not willing to let anyone through me, to my real 'me' as that would mean that I would have to face 'me', my past, my first relationship and everything that I have done after the breakup - this was something I was not ready to do. I made sure that the guys I was dating, will not be those who are able to go through the walls that I placed inside myself - if there was any chance of them breaking through, I found ways to sabotage the relationship and end it.
Now that I identified why I ran away from relationships and couldn't develop intimate and supportive relationship with a partner my past behaviour in the context of relationships is starting to make more sense.
This one point of me believing that I cannot face my parents when it comes to being sexually active with my first boyfriend, a chain of events manifested through which I created a relationship entity inside myself that was running on my behalf without me being aware of what I was actually creating for/as myself. With breaking up the relationship I had with my first partner, the programming that was running in my mind equated to the following structure: "if it comes to the point of sexual intimacy, vulnerability and exposure, the relationship must end' type of thing. Though, despite of the first relationship being so specific to sexual intimacy, the mind mutated the equation to "any type of intimacy relationship = stay away".
Fortunately, with understanding now the source of my resistances/fear towards relationship, I was ready to open a door inside myself to unconditionally allowing myself to access the mind realm of relationships and investigate more dimensions and accordingly make the necessary alignments inside myself to eventually create and develop a healthy, supportive and constructive relationship with a partner.
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Art work - rose-colligan
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