Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 5 - Day 146

 

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand how and why I've been accepting and allowing self sabotage/compromise/abuse through a decision I've made in the moment of interaction with my new group of friends where we were discussing about Sex and within that, I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how I've made that decision and whether this decision would support me in any way whatsoever.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prefer fitting in a specific group and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, abuse and sabotage me as my human physical body because I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to respect myself enough to stand in absolute self trust, the same as yesterday today and tomorrow, but instead, I've made the decision to do what ever it takes for me to feel belong and accepted by group of beings.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that having Sex would result with being accepted by a group of friends that would see me as Equals when I'm acting/behaving like one of them. within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of those relationship with those women and whether or not, my relationship with them would be a supportive relationship that would result with me discovering and becoming the utmost potential I can be as a human being.

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give Value to my stance in a specific group of friends and within that, have accepted and allowed myself to compromise/sabotage/abuse myself as my human physical body with the choices I made in order to fit in and be accepted by others. Within that, I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to value and accept me, as who I am, in any given moment and thus, had required to be accepted by others to define me as worthy of being in their presence.

 

I forgive myself that I've NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the relationship between my experience before I discovered the 'big city' and the decisions that I've made after I moved to the 'big city' and thus, I've NOT seen that my choices/decisions that I've made were because I've defined the place that I came from and the life that I had as boring and accordingly, wanted to do all the things I believed I missed out thus far due to the limitation I had felt in my home environment in terms of what is allowed and what isn't allowed and thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself in that moment of discussing with the new friends about Sex, to define my previous girl friends as boring and nerds which I didn't want to be associate with and essentially, wanted to join the new group of girls that would make me feel alive, not considering the things I would have to do in order to fit in and the consequences of my decisions.

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 4 - Day 145

This is a continuation to:

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 1 - Day 142

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 2 - Day 143

Multiple Partners? Shame on you - Part 3 - Day 144

 

Yesterday, I was touching briefly about the social influences that I've experienced within and as myself in relation to having multiple partners. Within this blog, I will go into more depth with regards to this point as I see that it had crucial effects on my decision making.

 

I remember at the age of 24, I was working in a fancy restaurant and all my co-workers were young, fine, cool, hot girls. It's like, when coming to the restaurant, you are coming to a fashion show. Literally. Off topic - there was an hair dresser that used to do for us hair style every night before work, our clothes where made by a designer.. Crazy shit man.

 

So anyway, for me it was a new experience; I came from a suburb city, my life were quite boring before I started working there, I didn't go to parties, I didn't care about clothes, I didn't care about being cool because as far as I've seen myself in the suburb, I was cool in my own way. I didn't feel like I'm missing out something because I didn't know what was out there - Parties, Drugs, alcohol, guys.. So for me, it was all new and I didn't know how to swallow everything when I encounter the Big City Life. I wanted everything - I wanted to party, drugs, alcohol, guys.. But inside me, I knew it wasn't me and for me to get those stuff, I must act like one of them, I must make new friends, I must fit it. it is not so easy to fit in when I've valued myself as unworthy, fat, not good enough in comparison to what I've seen in the "big city". (lol, if you'd know where I'm coming from, you'll laugh about what I define as a big city and what I define as a suburb). In the Suburb, you don't have to be all of those things to fit it.. So it was quite a ride by itself.

 

Ok so.. One day, all the girls were talking about sex, how much sex they do, with whom they are doing it, how good it is, how their hair style in their vagina is shaped. And I.. Didn't know what they were talking about, it was a shock to me. One of them told me - "the reason why you are not having sex is because you are not prepared for sex.. You haven't shaped your vagina hair".

 

And so, I became possessed about how I should look like down there, what man likes, what do I need to do to "prepare" myself for sex. Not even a moment, looking at the physical aspect within it all. Not ever considering who, why and what I am as sex. All I cared about was fitting in with my new environment and within it, do what ever it takes to be defined and seen as cool.

 

Within my next blog, I will be continuing with the self forgiveness process with regards to my ranting and raving here and once I'm done covering this point, unless I'd see another dimension with regards to multiple partners, I will start walking the process of change through practical corrective application.