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Once upon a time, during my university years, I was involved with one of my class mate - I had a crush on him for quite a while and I saw a potential of us being together, creating a life together. When we started seeing each other, I could see that he was not into the relationship as I was but I decided to ignore the fact that something was completely off with us. It ended just as quick as it started but because we were studying together and I saw him every day, I still hoped that something of worth will come out of our friendship relationship.
Mt best friend at that time, who was also studying with us, knew that I had interest in having something more with that guy but little did I know that after I stopped seeing him, she started dating him and neither of them told me about that - I felt betrayed.
It is interesting because neither of them did something to me or took something from me - I was not really involved with the guy when they started dating. The problem with this all scenario was that all this time, he played games with me with continuous flirtation and sweet talk which I interoperated as him having interest in me which perpetuated the 'hope' that we may have something of worth in the future. With him acting as he did, I had no reason to think that there is something else going on with my friend and so, when I found out, I was in shock cause I didn't see it coming - the two people that I cared about had a relationship behind my back.
I felt betrayed and painfully hurt when I found out that they are together, I literally felt she stabbed a knife in my back because of so many reasons and I couldn't get myself to a point of forgiveness - I was angry, the trust I had in her was broken and I couldn't move pass the point and continue my friendship relationship with her so I removed her from my environment completely, didn't want anything to do with her. With him, I didn't feel that he betrayed me, I was upset, yes - but I was not angry at him as much as I was with her.
The challenge was seeing them together, coming to classes together, laughing, kissing and enjoying each other's presence - I felt that she took from me something that was supposed to be mine even though, it was never mine.
So what really happened? Why did I feel betrayed? Why was I consume with anger?
In this blog post, I will open up the primary point that I found while investigating this point for myself though there are many dimensions and layers that were involved.
If you followed my recent blog posts - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500 the things that I will be writing today will be clearer.
In our alternate mind reality, we create an illusion of how things "should" be and when the physical reality doesn't correspond with our creation of the mind we experience ourselves with negative emotions like for instance, depression, sadness, anger and so forth. The problem starts when we believe that the alternate reality that we created in our mind could have had a potential to manifest in the physical reality and so, we hold onto the hope that in some way or another, we will manifest our alternate reality exactly how it is in our minds.
For myself, every time I saw them together I faced the physical reality that was in conflict with my alternate reality and that created an experience of loss, a loss of the illusion that I created in my mind.
When positive feelings are involved, we tend to place a vail in the mind that prevents us from seeing the physical reality and what is really here. For example, there was nothing substantial that I created with the guy, our communication levels didn't have the depth that I would have wanted in a relationship and on many levels, when I was with him, I felt very empty. Even sexually, I couldn't really 'feel' him with me. But, there was something in him that I was attracted to which kept the alternate reality in the mind going and especially with me seeing him every day.
With seeing them together, the mind reality kept on activated because what I saw in the physical reality is them living my alternate reality that I wanted to create for myself with him so it was like unfulfilled desire playing out in front of my eyes all of the time. How I saw him with her was how I wanted him to be with me only that with me, it did not exist and I took it personally, as if something was wrong with me because "how come he choose her and not me" kept on coming up in my mind all of the time.
I think that was the most difficult part - not understanding why what I saw in him, the potential of him, is playing out with her, while I couldn't reach that level of intimacy with him.
Here what I found is my ego taking the driver sit instead of me looking directly at the physical reality. There are things that I cannot explain or clearly understand how it works but it is quite clear that with certain people you have specific types of connections. This connection is not always aligned and it is not an exact science - it is either 'here' or it is not but it is not something one can force.
They had a connection that was deeper than the connection that I had with him. The fact that they shared a deep connection doesn't define me as less or more, it has nothing to do with me actually but it was not how I saw it - I took it personally and defined me as less than her which was why I couldn't reach an absolute point of forgiveness as I kept on blaming her for taking something from me. In that, I lost - I lost my friendship relationship with her, and I lost my friendship relationship with him.
Will continue in my next blog post
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