Jun 11, 2014 | By: A Woman

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 1) - Day 475

Blue Nude, c.1902 PosterAs part of the declaration of the principle I commit myself to live by, I will walk a blog series where I would take each principle and share an example of how I am assisting and supporting myself to realize and / or change myself in standing as the living principles as a living expression of myself:

The first living principle is: Realizing and living my utmost potential

Within this , the fundamental point that I had to realize is that each and everyone of us HAS a potential - a potential that we can develop and perfect within ourselves; a potential that we can become as a living expression of ourselves if we allow ourselves to realize and accept our true and unique pre-existed potential.

It took me a life time to realize that I have a potential and only afterwards I could assist and support myself (as I still am) to live as my utmost potential. Understand that without realizing that we each have a potential, we cannot live our utmost potential and therefore, the reason why the first principle is written with first the word 'Realizing' and then the word 'Living' is very specific - it is because one must first realize that one already have a potential and thereafter, one is able to live one's potential as a living principle, a living expression of oneself.

So I will first share with you an example of where in my life I 'lost' my potential or to be more specific, where in my life I gave up on myself and in that, gave up on the possibility to live as my utmost potential - from there, I will show how I have assisted and supported myself (and still do) to change the construct that I have created inside myself and to therefore, live to my utmost potential as a living principle, a living expression.

There is ONE profound memory that activated my path of self destruction where I no longer felt worthy in my eyes' view and thus thought and believed that I could not have extraordinary life; that I will not be anything that is worthwhile and from that moment onwards, I submitted to the survival mode, doing the bare minimum so I won't be disappointed from myself and/or disappoint others.

Throughout my first 9 school years, I was one of the kids who always been at the top of the class. I didn't have to study hard or make any special effort, everything was easy for me; overall, I enjoyed studying, I enjoyed school and I had no particular issues with homework. When I started high school, the school decided to place me in the best class with other top students from other schools without asking me nor my parents what I think about the allocation and/or whether I have any objection to the move. This is where the problem started because all of a sudden, with no mental preparation, I was the all of a sudden failing - I was no longer at the top of the class, I was very much at the bottom - I struggled with homework; I struggled following the pace of the teacher; I didn't get good marks and I couldn't cope with the new situation. Obviously, there was no one to explain me why am I experiencing myself as a failure and so, I took it personally and believed that I was not so smart as how I believed myself to be.

By the time I reached the 11th grade, I already lost myself and as a consequential outflow of not being able to cope with the failure, I gave up on myself and felt that I was disappointing my parents, my teachers; I felt that I was the black sheep of the family; that I have no potential for successful future. Obviously, this was never shared with anyone and there was so much that my parents could support me with when they noticed that I started changing from happy human being to a sad and depressed human being though, the change was slight as I became really good at suppressing and hiding that which I felt inside.

The experience in high school created long term consequences in my life - I did NOT want to place myself in a school environment and experience that which I have experienced in high school. However, not going to university was not even an option within my family cultural design and therefore, I had to push myself and do the university pre-qualification exams - for that, I studied 3 months in a private institute - it was horrible because I came with a starting point of being a failure, especially because I took these test a few years before and did terribly bad. With that starting point in mind, I was only able to get an average mark. The mark basically shut the door for lots of possibilities that I could have had if I didn't pave my way to failure through believing that I was a failure; and with not wanting to feel pressured again with studies, I pushed away my dreams of becoming a big shoot in the world system as I believed I don't have what it takes to make it anyway.

Eventually, with great pressure from my family, I went to study in a private university where the entry mark do not really play a part but the amount of money one pay per year. At the beginning of the first semester, I wanted to give up and quit because I felt pressured and feared failing the exams; there was an older man who studied with me and he told me that all I need to do is pass the test and enjoy the students life - that he will take my hand and guide me through the next 4 years and show me how to pass the exams with not so much effort. He explained to me that having a degree will open doors for me and not so much the marks that I will get. Fortunately, university was much easier than I expected once the pressure to succeed was off. However, deep inside, I still felt like a failure.

It was only a decay later that I could see my potential - will continue with the story in my next blog post.



By: Pablo Picasso


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