The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle - Day 474
Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 1) - Day 475
So during my university education, I worked as a bar tender which gave me the financial freedom to do whatever I wanted - I could go on vacations, I could travel the world, I could go and party all night and in terms of studying, I just wanted to pass the exams - I knew that I will not practice law and I didn't see myself having a big career as a business woman due to the insecurity that I felt inside myself all the way from high school. During the final year, the pressure from my environment started to kick in as all my university friends started to move towards building a career for themselves while I was burning any brain sell with partying and alcohol. I decided to follow their steps and tried doing something in my life. But - I didn't see any value in myself or believed I had any other skill but bar tendering so I applied for job as a telemarketer for an insurance company as that was the only thing I knew how to do - I had a little bit of experience with telemarketing from a summer job that I did while back during high school. Soon enough I realized that I am in a big trouble because I could not sustain the life style I was accustom with - in a month work in telemarketing I earned what I did in 2-3 nights in the bar.
After 2 months, a friend from university told me about a job in the company he worked for, he set up the interview for me and the next day I started working there. Here, you must understand that this was a job that every moment counts and unless I was on the top of my game, fully aware and focused, the company will lose money because I was a stock exchange trader.
With my coping skills of not showing weaknesses when I did not understand something and the lack of my self motivated ambition to educate myself due to lack of self-trust in myself, I didn't ask anyone to explain to me everything that I didn't understand and as a result my performance was not so great to say the least. Honestly, till this day I am uncertain why I was not fired and why my boss waited for me to decide to quit. I felt so embarrassed from my results so when the boss offered me a job in the marketing department, I refused, even though years later I discovered that my natural skill is related to Marketing lol.
One thing led to another and I accessed the spiritual phase of my life - on many levels, I am grateful for the Spiritual phase because otherwise, I wouldn't have found Desteni years down the line, and would not have discovered and realized that everyone has a natural potential that we can live as and by. Though realize that the Spiritual phase came because of the failure experience I felt inside myself, where I gave up on all my dreams and didn't believe that I will make it in the world system and in that point, I submitted to the survival mode and accepted the day by day living where all you need is to make sure you have enough to end the month. For me, the spirituality was a tool through which I could suppress all of these emotions and feelings that I experienced without being aware about the truth of my experiences.
Will continue in my next blog post.
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art work by: Ernst Ludwig Kirchner
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