Have you
ever felt uncomfortable around new people? Have you ever changed your behavior
when meeting new people? Have you faced social fears and anxiety around people
that you have recently met? Well, I sure did and the interesting thing is that
I thought it was normal, it was just me being shy and taking my time to get to
know the people in my environment. Recently I started questioning and
investigating this point internally and externally and hell, this is not
normal; in fact, it is uncomfortable to feel uncomfortable; it is exhausting to
change my personality around new people - it is much more enjoyable to just be
me, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow no matter who I face in my direct
environment.
What I have found within myself
when meeting new people is a point of self-diminishment where I would assess in
that moment who I believe the other person is and what would the other person
expect me to be so that I would be accepted in their eyes' view. After making
the initial assessment, I would then mold and change myself to what I believe
to be the most suitable personality and accordingly, I would present myself to
the other person within that specific personality. But who I am in those
moments?
So I started exploring myself in
new environments, seeing the thought patterns that comes up, seeing how I would
assess the environment and how I would make the decision to lock and block my expression to suite what I believed the
environment wants me to express.
This opened a whole can of worms
inside of me as I was going back in time, looking at my life and realized that
more than often, I did things to please other people, did things that I thought
other people would have expected of me, doing and saying the 'right' things to
make sure there is no frictions in my relationships with others but on a deeper
dimensions, I was indirectly seeking for others' approval of me while in fact
never actually allowing 'me'
to be fully expressed and lived as I was always controlling my expression to
only express that which I believed others would feel comfortable/pleased with.
Within this, I created
ineffective relationships where I was trying to get something out of the
relationship as an idea that I had created in the mind and within that, not
allowing myself to really explore and get to know people because that may be in
friction to how I had believed they would have see me, and therefore
simultaneously had created my own imprisonment where I projected onto people
that they wanted me to be a certain way and thus limiting my own
self-expression through the fear of them not wanting to be around me if I do
not 'fit' a particular profile.
I can no longer live with this
imprisoned beliefs and therefor I say stop - I will no longer accept and allow
this idea to govern my reality and who I am within my self-expression.
I reached a point in my life
where I no longer want to fight with myself, no longer want to experience
fluctuation of energies, I just want to be, to express me.. No more having to
mold and change myself for other people, I had enough.
So I am committed to walk the
physical change from imprisoned and diminished expression to a fully lived
expression as who I am in any given moment of breath. Will share more as I
continue walking this path of self expression.
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